I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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