I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
