I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
