I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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