Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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