I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
