I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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