My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
