Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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