I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
