dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
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The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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