Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
