What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
