my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
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I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
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