You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
