just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
