You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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