i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
I wish you could order shots online.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
27 Hairstyles That Always Come With A Matching Personality
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.