ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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