Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
How's work?
Spinning.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
