Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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