sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
