Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
