My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
How's work?
Spinning.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
