she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
