yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize