So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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