EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
