Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
