I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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