just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
