You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
no, he came in my armpit
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
