I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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