Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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