i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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