Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
