highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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