My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
