His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
