My cat gives me a boner
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
