"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
