Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
