I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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