chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
