just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
my liver is dry heaving
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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