Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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