I haven't been this sober since birth.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
