You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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