Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
