did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
