She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
