dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
