I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
