I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
