Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
