I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
