I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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