Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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